Fuck Yeah Gravity Falls!

Transcribed copy of the above articles. Misspelling and all.

COP CAR CRUNCHBy Toby DeterminedReporter
GRAVITY FALLS - A freak monster attack transformed Sheriff Blubs’s squad car into a stylish makeshift convertable late Friday night.
"We were in the middle of keeping the mean streets of Gravity Falls safe when all of a sudden, the roof was ripped straight off my squad car," Blubs said.
Deputy Durland who was also present during the incident. “There’s no feeling better in the world than driving with the top down and feeling the breeze whipping through your hair! Makes you feel alive!,” Durland stated.
No charges have been filed against the giant, winged monstrosity whose whereabouts and origin are unknown. Although Blubs hopes to see the savage creature in small claims court at some point in the near future.



SHEEP SNATCHEDBy Toby DeterminedReporter
GRAVITY FALLS - After an exhaustive, five day search throughout the thick forests of Gravity Falls, three sheep remain victims of sheep snatching.
"If there’s one thing I have zero tolerance for, it’s sheep snatching." Jim Storch, owner of Storch Farms, said. "Some kind of giant bird is what did it. I’ve never seen anything like it before. If scientists haven’t already named this particular species of bird, they ought to name it Sheep Snatcher on account of how good it is at snatching sheep.
You might say that the flying creature also snatched away Storch’s heart. “I loved those sheep more than anything,” Storch said as tears streamed down his weathered face. A candlelight vigil is being planned for [page cut off].



A MINOR PROBLEMBy Toby DeterminedReporter
GRAVITY FALLS - Local miners thought they were on the verge of striking a rich, mineral deposit early on Wednesday. Instead, they uncovered a massive network of mysterious caverns.
Several miners are missing after exploring the area. Those who returned reported hearing loud, high-pitched screeches. Some insist the sounds came from a giant prehistoric creature somehow left over from the late Jurassic period.
"Dagnabitt!," exclaimed Jack Solomon, owner of the troubled mining company. "Where’s the canary when you need him? He’s supposed to drop dead when something’s wrong!"
The caged canary has since been fired. [page cut off] neologists are working with the [page cut off].

Well, hm. Yea…

Transcribed copy of the above articles. Misspelling and all.

COP CAR CRUNCH
By Toby Determined
Reporter

GRAVITY FALLS - A freak monster attack transformed Sheriff Blubs’s squad car into a stylish makeshift convertable late Friday night.

"We were in the middle of keeping the mean streets of Gravity Falls safe when all of a sudden, the roof was ripped straight off my squad car," Blubs said.

Deputy Durland who was also present during the incident. “There’s no feeling better in the world than driving with the top down and feeling the breeze whipping through your hair! Makes you feel alive!,” Durland stated.

No charges have been filed against the giant, winged monstrosity whose whereabouts and origin are unknown. Although Blubs hopes to see the savage creature in small claims court at some point in the near future.

SHEEP SNATCHED
By Toby Determined
Reporter

GRAVITY FALLS - After an exhaustive, five day search throughout the thick forests of Gravity Falls, three sheep remain victims of sheep snatching.

"If there’s one thing I have zero tolerance for, it’s sheep snatching." Jim Storch, owner of Storch Farms, said. "Some kind of giant bird is what did it. I’ve never seen anything like it before. If scientists haven’t already named this particular species of bird, they ought to name it Sheep Snatcher on account of how good it is at snatching sheep.

You might say that the flying creature also snatched away Storch’s heart. “I loved those sheep more than anything,” Storch said as tears streamed down his weathered face. A candlelight vigil is being planned for [page cut off].

A MINOR PROBLEM
By Toby Determined
Reporter

GRAVITY FALLS - Local miners thought they were on the verge of striking a rich, mineral deposit early on Wednesday. Instead, they uncovered a massive network of mysterious caverns.

Several miners are missing after exploring the area. Those who returned reported hearing loud, high-pitched screeches. Some insist the sounds came from a giant prehistoric creature somehow left over from the late Jurassic period.

"Dagnabitt!," exclaimed Jack Solomon, owner of the troubled mining company. "Where’s the canary when you need him? He’s supposed to drop dead when something’s wrong!"

The caged canary has since been fired. [page cut off] neologists are working with the [page cut off].

Well, hm. Yea…

Notes

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  12. reeves3 reblogged this from ashleybenlove and added:
    I think the most important part of this, is what happened to the canary?
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